thebottle Blog

I’ve always hated giving speeches in my classes. Almost every time I would lose focus, my mouth would go dry, and my words would jumble, but there was always that occassional speech that was flawless from beginning to end. Not until a few months ago did I figure out what made those few speeches so successful. It is quite simple really, I lied. Oh, yes, I discovered that it is much easier for me to lie to a large group of people than to speak about something in which I am passionate or knowledgeable.

I struggled when it came time to decide for a speech topic. What topic should I speak on? I could think of nothing but the obvious choices that were sure to bore until one night while intoxicated I decided that the life of a hobo would be a fun topic after listening to Bob Dylan – Only a Hobo. That was it, I was going to speak about hobos, so I sent my teacher a quick e-mail.

“My speech topic will be life as a hobo.”

She responded the next day.

“I am curious as to what led you to this topic. What is your connection?”

Now I knew that I could not say that hobos were nothing more than an interest of mine for this would surely lead to the disqualification of the topic.

“I lived as a hobo for a year.”

It was simple and to the point. I did not think she would believe it, but I was thrilled when I received her next response.

“Then the topic is very valid! I look forward to hearing your speech.”

As a side note, I was amused to later find out that she actually consulted other faculty about the validity of the topic.

The next day I went to wikipedia.org and turned their hobo article into a speech. After that I made a slide-show containing pictures of hobos with captions such as “My friend James in Virginia.” It was a real masterpiece, no one would question it.

It was later that night after watching the movie Fight Club that my genius struck again, for now I had added disturbing pictures to display in between slides for mere milliseconds. I tested it and it was perfect.

The day of the speech I started my preparations which consisted of a couple k-pins and more than a couple shots of vodka. The speech was sure to be flawless.

In the front of the class I noticed my fellow students smirk as I announced my topic and dove into the material. I was very calm and able to watch them carefully, I observed their every reaction. I noticed the larger, more unbelievable my lies, the more they grinned and so I went on and on until I thought God would strike me dead for the lies which I unleashed. He did not strike me dead, but instead he messed up the presentation. Yes, between slide 5 and 6 the computer lagged causing a rather disturbing image to display slightly longer than intended.

I could not believe it. I looked around the room and continued as I tried my best to ignore what had happened. The teacher was looking at her desk writing some notes, she had missed it. I looked around some more as I talked while I tried to maintain my composure. No one seemed to notice, and I was regaining confidence, but then I looked upon the girl in the second row who was sitting there with eyes wide and mouth agape.

This poor girl knew what she had seen; it unnerved me. I quickly finished my speech and walked back to my desk. I was received with a great applause and then a barrage of questions from people interested in my tremendous life as a hobo.

I learned a valuable lesson that day….never use Microsoft Powerpoint.